Dear Dad,

Okay, so this week I haven’t exactly been at my happiest Dad, I haven’t been my usual “jolly” self and I’m putting it all down to you. This week I realised more than ever that I’m never ever ever going to see you again. I’m never ever going to be able to pick up the phone and hear your voice at the other end, Your never ever going to spend another christmas day with me, or another birthday or even a day an hour, a minute. Nothing. I realised this week more than ever and I don’t even know why. Since you left me for good all those years ago dad, I’ve changed. I changed all those feelings towards you, I learnt to love you even after anything. You were never ever ever my role model in life, and you never will be but you will always influence me into the person I am, and will become. It’s been 5 years since you left me to defend on this earth, 5 years since you decided I’d be better off without you for good. If you were to ask me all those years ago if i needed you in life, without a thought I’d turn around and say no. I never thought I’d need you, but now i realise i always needed your love. I needed you to turn around, drop the bottle and give me a hug, just what every little girl wants. You never had the motivation or determination to do that did you? You could never chose me over a bottle? I never came first to you dad, ever and honestly? that it probably what hurts me the most. There isn’t a day that goes by that i dont think of you and your last days on this earth. Were you alone? Did you care? all this is all unknown to me. You never ever gave me the chance to aplogise for all those things i said to you. Nothing i can say or do will ever bring you back, but i wish it could. I wish i could just ask you those questions i’ve longed to ask you for too long. I’m never ever going to pretend you were a saint, and you never did what you did but you were my dad at the end of the day, and i never ever stopped loving you. All i did was long for you, for you to love me more than you loved the bottle. I’ve realised it wasnt my fault you were the person you were, It wasnt me that influenced you into your decision, but i bet i didnt exactly help. 5 years have gone since your passing, and i still ask the stupid little questions. Why? did you think of me? did you do it because of me? because you thought i’d be better off without you? 

I’m not better off without you dad, I never ever will be, but i will be that daughter i know you would have wanted me to be. I will make you proud, and i will make you look down and think “nice one sammy”. that’s all i want my life to be. 

I don’t want to make your mistakes dad.

May you rest in peace daddy.

1967-2004 (L)

a life cut short simply because of your own doings.

I loved you dad, i love you and forever will. (L)

Lessons in life are free. 12/3/10

I’ve come to realise nothing seems to last anymore. Before you know it relationships have been and gone, Friendships have turned into blood battles and those good times turn into long lost memories. Those people that were at one time, the best things since sliced bread are people you don’t recognise or know anymore and the simple days pass just as fast as the speed of time. Recently I’ve come to realise that nothing in life is perfect. Those people you thought you could trust let you down, fool you around and waste your time. As soon as something good happens something bad has to follow and time, well, it goes faster than you can say “life”, but it’s from all the situations and the learning curves that we actually learn our lessons in life, because what is life if we don’t learn from it? Me? I don’t want the simple days back, i don’t want the friendships back because I’m actually moving forward with my life. I’m not dwelling on the past anymore. I’ve realised time goes by way to fast for you to do that, because whilst you’re wasting your time dwelling, I’ll be there living my life. I’ve realised a lot in the past week. I’ve realised who i need to be and who i actually need in life. I’ve learnt that learning curves make us realise who we are, and who we want to be. It’s from those learning curves that we learn what life is all about. Nothing in a book is going to teach you more than life itself.

Going through my old tumblr account and I've decided to post all the things I want to keep on here. I think it'll be easy to keep up/find them on here.