Dear Dad,

Okay, so this week I haven’t exactly been at my happiest Dad, I haven’t been my usual “jolly” self and I’m putting it all down to you. This week I realised more than ever that I’m never ever ever going to see you again. I’m never ever going to be able to pick up the phone and hear your voice at the other end, Your never ever going to spend another christmas day with me, or another birthday or even a day an hour, a minute. Nothing. I realised this week more than ever and I don’t even know why. Since you left me for good all those years ago dad, I’ve changed. I changed all those feelings towards you, I learnt to love you even after anything. You were never ever ever my role model in life, and you never will be but you will always influence me into the person I am, and will become. It’s been 5 years since you left me to defend on this earth, 5 years since you decided I’d be better off without you for good. If you were to ask me all those years ago if i needed you in life, without a thought I’d turn around and say no. I never thought I’d need you, but now i realise i always needed your love. I needed you to turn around, drop the bottle and give me a hug, just what every little girl wants. You never had the motivation or determination to do that did you? You could never chose me over a bottle? I never came first to you dad, ever and honestly? that it probably what hurts me the most. There isn’t a day that goes by that i dont think of you and your last days on this earth. Were you alone? Did you care? all this is all unknown to me. You never ever gave me the chance to aplogise for all those things i said to you. Nothing i can say or do will ever bring you back, but i wish it could. I wish i could just ask you those questions i’ve longed to ask you for too long. I’m never ever going to pretend you were a saint, and you never did what you did but you were my dad at the end of the day, and i never ever stopped loving you. All i did was long for you, for you to love me more than you loved the bottle. I’ve realised it wasnt my fault you were the person you were, It wasnt me that influenced you into your decision, but i bet i didnt exactly help. 5 years have gone since your passing, and i still ask the stupid little questions. Why? did you think of me? did you do it because of me? because you thought i’d be better off without you? 

I’m not better off without you dad, I never ever will be, but i will be that daughter i know you would have wanted me to be. I will make you proud, and i will make you look down and think “nice one sammy”. that’s all i want my life to be. 

I don’t want to make your mistakes dad.

May you rest in peace daddy.

1967-2004 (L)

a life cut short simply because of your own doings.

I loved you dad, i love you and forever will. (L)